I had this whole post typed out and my fuggin phone died. Boo.
Anyway. I’m in hiding. I’m overwhelmed by everything right now. Between work, mommy hood, marriage stress, and just nonstop weight gain-I’ve just shut down. I don’t want to do anything. I have friends, they want to hang out with me-but I just can’t do it.
Last year I made my goal-ish. I was about 145 lb when I got married. I got fine (like three snaps in z-formation, fine). Bad choice? Going down to 500 cal/day. Wow, weight whiplash anyone? I’ve thrown on 60 lb. in the last year.
I seriously don’t want to be “that girl” who goes to the bathroom and everyone is like “holy fuck she’s gained weight”. I’m so embarrassed. In a handful of months I’m going to Cancun. I don’t even want to go. Why? So I can be the girl wearing jeans to the beach? So I can void every camera pointed in my direction or beg my friends to delete any picture of me? Yeah that makes for great memories. I’m flying home in a month. A MONTH. I know the family members who matter won’t judge me and will just be excited to see me. Friends and the uglier side of my family are the ones who will make a deal about it-not a lot of tact. I can’t avoid them. That’s not an option. (Hides head under pillow)
Also, my husband is on the hotter side of things. He’s gorgeous. Has the maturity of a 12 year old, but sucks it up when it matters. You know how bad it sucks when we have pictures together or people see us in the mall and I get the look of “seriously? How did the short fat girl get the tall hot guy?” (Because I drug and pay him monthly-joking) I know,
I KNOW that it’s not as big of a deal as I’ve made it out to be in my head. IDGAF-it’s still that way to me. I have two pairs if pants that fit me. I wear baggy shirts and those jeans. Every. Fucking. Day. My spanx give me rolls, that’s how bad I’m talking. I’ve given up on underwear (yay muffin top ONTOP of muffin top) and had to spend a fortune on new bras (don’t get your panties in a twist I gained inches everywhere). Walking in heels is a pain in the ass. Yeah. SHOES. Who the fuck knew THAT would be an issue??? When I do, my feet are nubbing away like a pencil eraser after 15 minutes. So I wear sandals, and when it gets colder ill be hanging out in my chucks. Nothing says “I WANT THAT DIRECTOR PROMOTION” like Chuck Taylors. I already have a vagina in a tech world. You wouldn’t think given this age that would be an issue-yeah don’t kid yourself.
My best friend in the whole wide world is getting married in 5 weeks. Yep she’s going to be beautiful (which I don’t think is possible-bitches are going to go blind) but she’s going through her own image issues right now (every bride does) so I can’t put this on her-she’s maxed stressed. I can’t talk to Hubbs about it because, well yeah I’m not that person. I see it as belittling myself further. Confidence is sexy, right? Even if it is in a rancid tshirt, fat pants, and sandals. “Oh sorry Hubbs, are these your pants? I was wondering why I had to roll them up…. A FOOT” (Face palm).
I know I’m feeling sorry for myself. I do. I know that the only one can change it is me. If I were talking to myself I’d say “two options whore-suck it up, love and accept who you are. If that’s not an option-CHANGE YOURSELF AND LOSE WEIGHT”
Great motivation!!!!! check it out!
Great motivation!!!!! check it out!
..when you think you’ve lost weight but then realize you haven’t washed your jeans in a week.
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